TWILIGHT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES!

Although I do like to be a little overly dramatic and sarcastic on my blog I am not at all kidding about Twilight giving me nightmares! When I read it before I go to bed I have dreams about crazy guys stalking me, hiding outside my window at night, watching me sleep, and professing their crazed “love” for me in the most disturbing ways. I hope you are not laughing at this because I am completely serious and it’s scaring me! The only thing that is keeping me from freaking out over every tinny sound is that in all of my dreams I’m in California. As much as I love that place and can’t wait to go home I’m thinking about making Hawaii permanent. Yep, I’m that terrified!


















To make things even worse my little kindergarteners like to run up to me saying they are vampires and are sucking my blood. They make a big *Slurp* sound and run off yelling back, “Ms. Tyler, you’re dead!” just as another group runs to tell me they are werewolves, “RAWR!!!!” I can promise you that along with my kindergartener knowing how to tie his/her own shoes so the teacher is tortured everyday, my kindergartener also will have no idea what Twilight is or know anything about vampires! I am thinking that in my house hold the word “vampire” is going to be worse then the F-word, right up their with the word, “snow” and “Utah”.

Anyway, I have finished the second book. I was VERY disappointed!!! There isn’t a ton to make fun of. I don’t mind Jacob at all; he isn’t a psychopath trying to torture the most ridiculous girl who ever lived. I actually think he is a pretty good guy; crazy for liking Bella, but a pretty good guy none the less. The thing that concerns me the most about this book is that stupid teenage girls are reading this crap thinking that this is the kind of “love” they want. When a guy dumps her butt for being crazy she is going to hold on to the hope that one day he’ll return to her telling her he only left to “keep her safe”. When in reality he was running to keep himself safe from an idiot who wants to love a crazed super stalking vampire! It also romanticizes death, suicide, obsessive behavior and depression. I really don’t think that is a message we should be sending the teenage girls of America!

I have decided to take a little break from reading Twilight for a while so I will stop having a freaky stalker moment everyday. I’m not at all kidding; everyday since I started reading that crap something horrible has happened to me; everything from nightmares of guys back home stalking me, to a guy running around with a gun keeping me from getting home, guys outside my window in the middle of the night and somebody proclaiming publicly his romantic feelings for me. I am pretty sure that these are all signs that Twilight was inspired by the devil and people who read it are cursed.

You best not be stealing this!

I wrote this post awhile ago but never published it but I am tonight just to make my friends happy! This is for you, you know who you are!

As all of you should know, I am officially a Twilight hater now! Although I don’t understand why in the world people like this crap so much I have studied up on what makes them popular and I plan on using this information to write crappy books and become a billionaire! Here is my idea for my books……

The main character is a guy named Brad. He is human but is in love with a fairy named Steven. Yes, his name is Steven! Brad is gay! I decided to make the main characters gay because then anybody who hate my books automatically hates them because it’s about guy people and therefore is a bigot! Of course you can’t hate my books because they are crap, it has to be because of your bigotness!! Of course Brad and Steven can’t just be in love, there has to be a love-triangle! Mark is a zombie who is also in love with Brad and is trying to steal him away from Steven. The whole first book will be the boys falling “in-love” and Steven and Mark fighting over Brad.

(Isn't Mark such a hottie!!!Who wouldn't want to marry him?)

Book two will have an exciting twist in the story when the 2 lovers find out the Brad has been hiding something from them. There will be a bunch of dramatic crap happen to lead up to the guys finding out that Brad is dying of cancer. I think I’ll make it Breast Cancer. Breast Cancer really does affect about 1% of guys and I’m all about helping people by making them aware of problems they could be facing and not know it. What can I say, I’m a giver!!!

The third book will focus on the struggle that Steven and Mark go through as they realize they can change Brad into either a fairy or a zombie ending his fight with breast cancer and all of his pain. But of course changing Brad isn’t easy. It would result in a war between the fairies and zombies. You will have to read my wonderful books to find out who wins that war. Just know its going to be the best war EVER!!!

The last book will be the lead up to Brad being changed! But of course there is just one little problem….. Steven and Mark have fallen in love while fighting to save Brad’s life! That’s all I can tell you about the last book. You’ll have to read it to find out what happens but be warned that somebody does die making it possible for a fairy/zombie baby to me adopted.

Since it’s pretty obvious that my books are going to be a huge success I have a few other ideas to make even more money off them.

1. The books will take place in my home town of Vista, California. That way, stupid teenage girls will come to Vista from all over the world thinking that she will be able to meet a creepy fairy/zombie who will fall in love with her and fight for her! Vista will be able to survive off of tourism alone and will be the richest city in the country!

2. The main “heartthrob” will live in a neighborhood and house with a description that matched my mom’s house perfectly. That way my mom will be able to sell her house for billions of dollars and move out of the ghetto!

3. I’m sure Hollywood will want to make a movie based on the awesomeness that will be my books but I will only let them if they will agree to make the worst possible movies EVER! It will be written into the contract that they have to hold auditions and choose the worst actors who try out. Also they can not choose actors who are good looking. They must be creepy and ugly. It doesn’t matter that my descriptions in the book will make them sound like the most perfect person to ever walk the earth. The guys in the movie must be creepy!!

I’m sure you all can’t wait for my books to come out!! But believe me it will so be worth it!!

New insight!

I now I now interrupt the normally scheduled Twilight hating rant for some super exciting news!!!!

Tonight during a heart-to-heart with some of my closest friends I finally had an inspiration to turn my life around!! I mentioned before what a hardcore criminal I am and I think its time to change. You know being 24 and not married, I’m right up their with the gang-rapist and cereal killers. Actually, I take that back! As I said before, “Rapist and murderers have nothing on a 24 year old, mormon, college student, soon to be kindergarten/special-ed teacher, who isn’t married.” The answer to all my desperation came so clear; I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before…. mail-order bride!!

As you can tell I’m super excited about this! I can’t wait to see who will order me to be their wife! In horror of me changing my criminal ways I have decided that I will be getting a little surgery done so my husband will love me for the REAL me! I am 5’10” and my new measurements will be 38” bust, 21” waist and 31” hips. I love to cook and clean and will keep a very orderly household. I absolutely adore children and I defiantly plan on keep up with the family on 19 Kids and Counting.

I really hope you all will help me out by passing my information on to anybody you know looking for a mail-order bride. But please remember my dream of marrying a man in prison, I know I’m not exactly in the position to be very picky but a girl can dream can’t she?

It's time for a new motto!

“This is how horror movies start” is pretty much the motto of my life. I say it all the time as my friends drag me into situations where we could potentially be gang-raped and killed or whatever other horrifying things I could invasion happening in that situation. For the most part I have been wrong, so far, about these horror movies, but I’m waiting for the day my friends to drag me along and then I be right. Not that I’m a crazy freak looking for trouble like Bella from Twilight but because I know its bond to happen! I also know that the smartest, least scared person is always the first to die. Then one by one everybody else gets killed off until the last person alive is the one person who did everything in her life to avoid this exact situation happening. Then her worst nightmare gets played out precisely the way she feared it would!

I know that if my life were a movie it would most defiantly be a horror movie! And I would be that girl, the really scared dramatic one who is always warning people of danger and then gets it in the end. The girl that sick freaks love to watch in movies and they plan their own twisted cereal-killing spree! This is exactly why I’m scared to death of every situation and use the phrase, “this is how horror movies start” all the time!

Then came the Twilight series (insert dramatic music)…. Page 487 of the first book I quote Bella, “This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen!” I am officially never going to use my favorite motto again! I just can’t be associated with anything that’s even closely related to something Twilight and even more over the top, HER!!!

I can now officially be a Twilight hater because I finished the first book this afternoon when I should have been writing lesson plans. Like I said before it wasn’t as horrible as I thought but it’s for sure nothing I would EVER choose to read on my own. I still don’t understand why anybody in their right mind would. It’s not a romantic love story like sick and twisted people try to make you think. It’s a story of a stupid girl who wants attention, even though she’ll never admit it, who purposely and knowingly falls for an overly obsessive teenage stalker killing machine! I’m sure in the next book it will be revealed that Edward is also a gang rapist! I must admit that I was waiting for Bella to die the entire book and it was kinda disappointing when Edward arrived and saved her life! But of course he had to save her life, he can’t let somebody else torture her, like a true psycho he has to be the one who does it himself!

The only thing worse then teenage girls liking this crap and wanting a vampire to love, are the grown woman with children who leave their husbands to find a psychotic vampire. If you ask me their husbands should write a super long thank you to Stephenie Meyer for freeing them from their wife! Believe me guys, if your girlfriend/wife leaves you because of Twilight it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you!!

I’m actually kinda looking forward to reading book 2. I can feel it, this is the book where Edward turns on Bella and I get to laugh and say I told you so! And by the way, I'm thinking about writing this amazing book inspired by Twilight, check back soon for an overview of the plot! It's going to be a must read for sure!!!

Love the weekends in Hawaii!

It’s not even 8:00 yet and I’m doing everything I can to keep my eyes open until my laundry is done so I’ll have something clean to wear to school tomorrow. This weekend was fantastic! I pretty much did all my favorite things; shopping, beach, eating Thai food, hiking, cooking, watching movies, sleeping in… I really needed this! Although I don’t want to go back to teaching tomorrow I feel a lot better now that I had 3 days off to myself. The only problem is my goal for the weekend was to write a few lesson plans and I never did :( Words can not explain how much I HATE writing lesson plans!!

I don’t really have anything to write about. I’m only typing so I can keep myself from falling asleep. But OMG! I just looked down at my toes and realized the horridness of them after my barefoot hike today! I can’t go to school tomorrow with my nail polish all nasty! I’m sure that would be the first thing my little kindergarteners point out to me. They are so funny like that. Thanks to my friend Rachel I got really into painting my toes super cute and the little girls in my class love it! Anyway I better go give myself a pedicure!

Peace out!
Mel

This has to be a horror story!

I never thought I would say this but I started reading Twilight. Super embarrassing I know!! My 2 best friends got me the series for Christmas and I feel obligated to read them. I stared reading in the airport when I came home for Christmas. I was so embarrassed; I wrapped my jacket around the book so nobody could tell what I was reading. My mom says that people probably thought I was looking at porn, but you know what? I would rather people think I’m looking at porn then know that I’m reading Twilight!!!

So far I have read though chapter 9 of the first book. I know it’s not much but when I was home I was to busy enjoying the awesomeness that is San Diego and here in Hawaii I’m to busy writing lesson plans and teaching. Today was the first day I picked it up to read that I wasn’t traveling. As much as I hate to say it, the book itself isn’t horrible. (Side note to Alicia: don’t get all prideful thinking that you were right!!! I didn’t say I liked Twilight! I just said it’s not horrible!) I might actually like it if it wasn’t about Vampires. I just don’t believe in that crap and I can’t get passed that it isn’t real. The thing I love most about reading my sappy love stories is that I like to think they could really happen. Twilight on the other hand is just a bunch of made up crap to try to get teenage girls to fantasize about making out with dead people. NASTY!!!

Anyway, the biggest problem I have with reading Twilight is that it keeps referring to Edward as some super hot piece of man meat (ok that’s not what it really says but you get the picture) and I can’t get the absolute horridness of the actor in the movie’s face out of my head! I am sorry but he is just so freaky!! Who in the right mind would think that that’s good looking? When I read about how hot he is I just want to throw up all over the page and send it to Stephenie Meyer with the same description she uses to talk about Edward!

My last problem so far is that Edward is a super stalker!!! Edward admits to following Bella, but of course he says it’s just to protect her. HELLO!!! That’s the number one thing a stalker will tell you! They teach it in stalker training 101. Then he reassures her that he is NOT a monster! He just hunts animals, for the most part anyway, sometimes he does make mistakes. But you have to understand that animals don’t satisfy his real thirst for human blood. Most of the time he can handle his cravings but there is something about Bella that makes him go crazy!! WTF you stupid girl? He just told you he wants to kill you!!! Can you be any dumber?

I feel like this is the start of a horror book and my friends have played the ultimate prank on me, getting me to believe its some romantic love story when really its my worst fear of a crazy stalker rapist murderer! Any day now they are going to feel bad and call and tell me the truth. But until then I’m just the gullible blonde that wants to believe in a romantic story. HA! I guess that’s what I get for making fun of Lord of the Rings!

(This was my reaction when I opened the books. But its also their reaction as they watch me read the worst horror book of all time! Not funny girls!!)

I blinked and then it was over

I started writing about my wonderful Christmas break several times but then my phone would ring, somebody would stop by or I would be so tired that I would fall asleep while typing and I would never pick it back up and finish. This weekend I made it my goal to at least post something, its still Friday and I’m posting so I’m doing pretty good!

I have been so busy with student teaching that I haven’t been blog stalking lately! Can you believe that? Last semester I lived to blog stalk, it was my number one way to procrastinate my homework. Unfortunately while teaching there is no procrastination, you try and you will miss your one opportunity so you fail! The School of Education here is really hard on us and being just less then perfect is not an option, it’s either perfection or get out of the program. It’s a really good thing I’m OCD or I would be gone by now.

Although it’s really stressful I LOVE teaching!!! The kids just brighten up my soul! I have decided I want to name my future children after a few of my students because I adore them so much. People keep telling me it will fade but so far everyday I love them more then the day before. As far as I’m concerned teaching is perfect! The only thing that sucks about it is the super long drive from BYUH everyday and the extra work they make student teachers do that real teachers don’t have to do. The other day I got to school looked at the clock and realized I had already been up for 2 hours and work hadn’t even started yet. Later that day I got home and looked at the clock and realized I had been up for 12 hours and still needed to write a few lesson plans before I could focus on anything other then school. Every night I go to sleep not knowing if I'll be able to make it to another day and every morning I wake up at 5:30 and tell myself I can do it just one more time. Really sad thing is I haven’t hit the real hard part yet... We’ll be how that goes!

Anyway, enough of teaching!! I don’t really have time to socialize here because I’m so busy but believe me during the 2 weeks I was home I did enough partying to make up for it!! Here are some of the highlights. If it wasn’t so late and I didn’t get up so early this morning I might share some stories behind these pic because there was some awesome ones, but you’ll just have to call me and ask if you want to know. Sorry!!

I hear tomorrow is going to be a perfect beach day and I’m really excited!! I need a relaxing day at the beach!! And to make things even better, I have a new swimsuit to try out!!!!! I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a great day!!!!

Love you lots!
Mel